Why We Often Lie About Intimacy When We Look 'Different'

When speaking with a friend recently, I shared with her that when I met my husband, I lied to him about the number of partners I had been intimate with in the past.

“Of course,” she said. “We all do that. Not even my husband knows how many guys I’ve been with, and it’s really none of his business.”

“No,” I told her. “You don’t understand. When I got with my husband, I told him I’d been with 13 men before him. It was really just two.”

“Oh? You lied the other way?” She laughed and then grew serious. “Oh, Cynthia,” she said. “You lied because you wanted him to think you were desirable.”

Exactly.

At that time, I had zero confidence in myself, and my insecurities were at the maximum capacity — not to mention that I had just dropped out of college. Those are not attractive qualities if you ask me. With that said, I didn’t think I had much to offer him besides my love, affection, and honesty. With my promising number of intimate partners, I had hoped that would be enough. But there are a number of reasons why I lied.

I had two semi-lengthy relationships before him, but the compatibility just wasn’t there. He knew that. What he didn’t know was that all the guys that I had claimed to be with before barely held any weight and maybe involved a few kisses, cuddling at most.

There was no intimacy.

So I might have stretched the truth a bit. My intent was simply to better my chances at finding love without judgment. I thought he might have concluded that I was ugly, and I honestly didn’t need further clarification on that.

A common denominator of craniofacial differences are the vast insecurities and lack of confidence that we have the ability to take part in anything that is greater than ourselves. Some of us are judged on the inside just as much as we are on the outside. We become accustomed to often rejecting others before they have the chance to reject us. It’s a defense mechanism. But what hurts, even more, is that in rejecting the chances of finding love, you can’t possibly know what the infinite possibilities are. To do that, you must just learn to be yourself, at all times, regardless of your fears.

Cynthia and her husband.

When I met my two ex-boyfriends online, it was much easier to hide behind a screen and build a relationship. Neither one was aware of my facial differences until we met in person. I came to the realization that the internet was the only way I could market myself and find a relationship without judgment. When you have physical differences, you are not within society’s realm of “normal.”

Thus, dating, beginning new relationships, and finding love can come with an extra set of challenges. When dating, we try to fit into the norm as much as possible. Your face is one thing that cannot be hidden in plain sight, however. If, like my mother, you have one leg drastically smaller than the other, you can wear pants to hide what you don’t want others to see. Your face is just there.

So why do many of us with facial differences often lie about the number of partners we have been intimate with? In my case, I felt it made me look more desirable and more lovable. I’ve talked to other women with craniofacial differences who have done the same thing. Admitting you’re less experienced, let alone a virgin, might say that you’re not relationship material — that you are simply not attractive enough.

The truth is, I did date several guys on the down-low and some very briefly at school. The short-lived public relationships I experienced at school were some of my best days. Each one lasted only until the guy realized that he might have been in the undesirable category himself, and hanging around the “ugliest girl” at school would all but decrease his chances of finding someone up to his standards. I often overheard snickering and conversation in the locker room during P.E. class. The girls would make fun of my willingness to do homework assignments for guys and for nothing in return, except disappointment. I thought if a guy saw my intelligence, then maybe he would look past my physical differences. For that, I was bullied even more. It seemed like the more I tried, the more ammunition I was giving others to hurt me.

If only I knew then what I know now, I would have saved myself from much heartache, despair, and various educational and career setbacks.

Our choices define our character, and that paves the way to the future. If you are going to break the cycle, you must improve your behavior and negative thought processes to avoid drowning in them.

Without self-love and care, the probability of finding love, let alone happiness, is slim to none.

Don’t overcompensate for what’s not there, build on what is there. Take full accountability for your own life. Be real and authentic with yourself.

Despite the emotional pain that my craniofacial differences have brought me, today I feel liberated and happy. My husband and I just celebrated 10 years of a very sacred and blissful marriage, and we continue to strengthen and maintain our companionship by actively engaging in love, honesty, and communication. If it were not for my husband seeing beyond my face and for my heart, we wouldn’t have found the incredible love we share today.

I am a strong individual today who doesn’t seek anyone’s approval.

I am who I am, and you can be too.

Article originally appeared on The Mighty, a website where people with disabilities, diseases and mental illness share their stories.

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PTSD Awareness Event Provides Support for U.S. Military Veterans and Children with Craniofacial Anomalies

THREE CHARITIES TEAM UP TO “FIGHT FOR ACCEPTANCE!”

PTSD Awareness Event Provides Support for U.S. Military Veterans and Children with Craniofacial Anomalies

San Jose, California: Northern California-based Wrestling for Charity (WFC) along with Southern California's Empire Wrestling Federation (EWF) are proud to present the “Fighting for Acceptance” professional wrestling charity event, 5 p.m., Sunday, Sept. 25, at the Broken Spoke Western Saloon, 370 Saratoga Ave, San Jose, CA. Doors open at 4:30 p.m. with a bell time of 5 p.m.

Tickets are $20 VIP ringside, $12 general admission, and $10 for Military and Senior admission. The event is open to the public, must be 21+ with a valid ID to enter The Broken Spoke featuring a full bar that includes one of the largest selections of brews, liquor, and bottle service, plus many non-alcoholic choices. Tickets may be purchased online at https://wfcwrestling.ticketleap.com/fighting-for-acceptance

This unique event celebrates Craniofacial Acceptance Month (September), which is a time for people with facial differences and craniofacial differences to celebrate their appearances and help widen the circle of acceptance for children and adults with facial differences. One of the primary event functions is raising awareness and funds for the Children's Craniofacial Association (CCA). UCLA’s Pediatric Craniofacial Program at Mattel Children’s Hospital (UCLA), AboutFace-USA, a military and veterans’ charity service organization empowering injured veterans and their families, are also beneficiaries and have joined forces with CCA in the Fight for Acceptance.

Craniofacial differences consist of physical birth defects resulting in abnormal structures and underdevelopment that affect the bones, muscles, and tissues of the face and skull. Approximately 20,000 children are born with a facial difference in the United States every year. In many cases, reconstructive surgeons can correct these problems early—often while the children are still infants. However, in some cases, facial reconstruction is not easy or even possible.

CCA, UCLA, and AboutFace-USA all deal with the realities of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, a challenging and often debilitating mental health disorder that occurs in individuals who have endured traumatic experiences. PTSD often centers on the theme of the abuse (e.g. war and combat, childhood bullying victimization, physical abuse, frequent and invasive surgeries, etc.) with research showing that 7.5 percent of people experience PTSD.

PTSD-related suicide is the tenth leading cause of death in the United States. Approximately 20 military veterans suffering from PTSD commit suicide every day, nearly one every hour. This event will raise further awareness and opportunity for those with craniofacial anomalies, disabled military veterans, and those who battle PTSD.

About The Organizations:

Children's Craniofacial Association, a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization founded in 1989, serves over 20,000 families per year. CCA's mission is empowering and giving hope to individuals and families affected by facial differences.

The Pediatric Craniofacial Program at Mattel Children's Hospital UCLA is committed to providing compassionate and expert quality care to children who have congenital and craniofacial anomalies. This program has achieved national and international recognition and currently functions as one of the largest programs of its kind in the United States.

AboutFace-USA serves as a community resource for veterans; providing access to services and resources that support recovery, rehabilitation, and community reintegration. It is dedicated to empowering veterans and their families.

Press Releases published via El-Observador, Dick Sparrer Mercury News, and Sal Pizarro Mercury News

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Craniofacial Events Connection- Online Schedule of upcoming events within the United States

Virtual schedule of upcoming events for individuals and families of Craniofacial Differences throughout the United States.

CRANIOFACIAL INVOLVEMENT: If you or a family member has a craniofacial abnormality and if you would like to take part in upcoming events involving craniofacial differences, please come join our new group that is exclusively for events all throughout the U.S. There are a variety of annual children camp events, picnics, family events, support groups, you name it! 

The experience of meeting others with craniofacial differences is a remarkable one, but even more so - the building of close relationships is without a doubt - a precious life treasure. Please come stand with us.

To find an upcoming event nearest you please 

How This Upcoming Film Proves Hollywood Still Doesn't Understand Disability

The furor over the 2016 Oscars didn’t get my attention at the time. Then I started noticing what those protesting the awards had pointed out. People of color really were being excluded, even for roles that should have automatically gone to them. In fact, according to the University of Southern California, although an average of 75.2 percent of speaking roles already go to white actors, some of those parts are actually characters of color. Why does Hollywood ignore the real thing when casting? And it’s not limited to race and ethnicity.

There is currently a film in the making that should have brought joy to the craniofacial community. Adapted from R.J. Palacio’s New York Times bestseller, “Wonder,” the film will star Oscar and Academy-Award winning actress Julia Roberts as the mother of a boy with a severe facial abnormality. But wait. The boy will be played by Jacob Tremblay, who doesn’t have a craniofacial disorder. To top it off, Julia Roberts was given the starring role of a Latina, when she is a Caucasian actress with no cultural or blood ties to Latin America.

Tremblay will have to be “disfigured” with realistic and prosthetic makeup. Also, he’s going to have to fake a speech impediment. Acting out any behavioral and physical disability is challenging, because there’s a fine line dividing authenticity from misrepresentation. Some films are so tainted by inaccuracy that the acting obviously does not represent the real-life person portrayed, which can be perceived as insulting.

It’s not an isolated incident, either. “Grey’s Anatomy” was touted for including an episode on Treacher Collins syndrome (TCS). When I first saw that episode and the grotesque makeup comparable to Frankenstein on the actress, Amanda Leighton, I immediately felt betrayed. I was disappointed that a woman who doesn’t have the disorder was selected to begin with. I felt that my self-image and the image of TCS was vastly misrepresented. She had a small part, with only a few lines to perform in one episode. Why couldn’t they have sought someone more fitting for that role? Especially considering that five years prior, “Nip/Tuck,” another American television drama series, featured TCS and a very similar acting role, but cast a man who actually had the disorder.

Many of us find it very disappointing that the casting director chose an actor who doesn’t have a craniofacial disorder to play Auggie. We feel that the message behind this choice is contrary to the book “Wonder.” Many of us, including myself, have dealt with the insults of our faces being called a mask on all days but Halloween.

There is irony in the fact that the actor will be altered with makeup, changing his appearance to ours. There is no denying that Jacob Tremblay is an incredibly talented actor and has the capability to perform the role for the film adaptation of “Wonder,” and the same goes for Julia Roberts. However, we must seek to protect what we represent, and we must do so with realism and authenticity.

One of my all-time favorite movies is the heartbreaking 1985 film, “Mask.” The film starred Cher as the mother to a young boy who had a facial disfigurement known as “lionitis.” The movie takes you through his journey in seeking public acceptance and finding love; all the while, he had already outlived his life expectancy. Rocky Dennis was played by actor Eric Stoltz, who does not have a facial disfigurement himself, but he exceeded all of our expectations in playing this role, which also won an Oscar for best makeup. I have a full understanding that this film was made 30 years ago, when there were not many options in diversity. However, we are now in the 21st century, in a world of 7.4 billion people. Special effects and makeup are detailed, expensive and time-consuming. During filming, cast members often spend five to 12 hours a day in makeup. So why not cast a boy who actually has a craniofacial disorder?

It doesn’t have to be this way. It shouldn’t be this way. Stacy Keach, now honorary head of the Cleft Palate Foundation, was one of the first to prove that an actor born with a cleft lip and a partial cleft of the hard palate could be powerful, sexy and anything he aspires to be. Cheech Marin is Latino and born with a cleft lip, and proved that a comedian with a disability can be successful. Believe me, there is a man, woman or child with a craniofacial difference right now who has aspirations to pursue a career in the entertainment industry. We should encourage individuals from all walks of life, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religion or disability to become actors and models.

Most people want to watch movies that are not based on stereotypes. We are the audience who contributes to the success of films. We are inspired by seeing real minorities on the screen, not Caucasian actors cast as ethnic characters, and not actors pretending to have a disability or physical difference. We want to feel as if we are living there in the moment and part of the film. We want to watch movies that resonate with our experiences. We are the real individuals actually living the truth behind the movies. We are just asking for an accurate picture of how we live on a daily basis, and to see and feel the real deal.

Article originally appeared on The Mighty, a website where people with disabilities, diseases and mental illness share their stories.

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